Litany of Mental Health Issues No Match to Get High and Play Minecraft

COLUMBIA, Missouri— A recent study on mental health from the University of Missouri found that while the number of reported cases of mental health issues is increasing, they can often be easily combated by the practice of getting high and playing Minecraft.

“I suffer from chronic anxiety and depression, but when I smoke a bowl and charge my survival world, I stop thinking about it completely,” said study participant Reese Cromwell. “I’ve tried a few different drugs in the past, and all have their respective downsides, but getting stoned and trying to build a fun roller coaster in creative mode has no side effects and requires no insurance.”

Mental health psychologist Dr. Abigail Milano explained how this recent revelation has affected her practice.

“I severed my ties with Lexapro and Xanax, and updated my outgoing prescriptions to reflect what patients now need,” Dr. Milano said. “Whenever someone comes in with mental distress, we start by getting them a candy and starting a cow farm. If this proves ineffective, we are prepared to increase both the potency of marijuana and the amount of mods we install in the java edition of the game.”

EthosLab, a professional Minecraft gamer, claimed he’s been steadfast for years.

“If my house burned down while I was creating a redstone contraption, there’s no way I’d notice or even really care,” Etho said. “Once while I was streaming my house was razed. I didn’t even move an inch. final touch to my enchantment room.

At press time, the researchers were thrilled that this treatment had proven effective in even the most mentally disturbed group on the planet, League of Legends players.